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My son Michael Nacht

I am so grateful, humbled and overwhelmed with gratitude at the outpouring of love and support my family and I have received from you at this life shattering time in our lives. We feel your love and support and while heartbroken and devastated we know we are not alone. Our son is so loved and we love you for loving him and us. In these awful times people always wonder "What happened?" and I want to take a little time to tell you about our son and hope you'll have a better understanding.

Michael was born on February 3, 1999. The date I've referred to ever since as the happiest day of my life. When they placed him in my arms my first thought was "OH NO! He looks just like me when I was a newborn!" I was not a cute newborn. But I was deeply enamored by this child who upon better inspection was absolutely gorgeous. I wanted many things in life but none more than to be a mother and this baby made my dream come true.   

Michael hit every milestone as expected. He was a happy, good boy. And a genius I was sure, as by the age of one he could put together a puzzle map of the United States, picking out every state on command. I was shocked and appalled when I learned that his 3 year-old class preschool teacher thought he didn't know his alphabet because he barely talked at school. Overall he was perfectly behaved with the exception of the occasional unprovoked, inexplicable temper tantrums, only at home, that took him a long time to come down from. I sought professional counsel but no conclusion or explanations were ever reached. Overall he was smart, articulate, and well behaved at school. The meltdowns weren't that often so we carried on. He was quirky but happy. He excelled in his studies always, he had friends but he liked his down time too. He had many special interests as he grew and we encouraged and indulged all of them. He immersed himself in everything he did and became an expert. Sometimes it was some pretty sophisticated stuff. The kid was smarter than us.   

A big shift in his mood set in around sophomore to junior year of high school. He didn't want to go to school and identified being depressed. Again we sought professional help for him and we asked every question and explored every possible scenario but he didn't offer any explanations for the source of his troubles. He saw a psychiatrist and psychologists but he continued to struggle the last couple of years of high school.  At the very end of senior year, without our knowledge, he applied to 3 state schools, was accepted to all and site unseen said he was going to SUNY New Paltz. By his sophomore year at New Paltz he had found his groove and his people. He joined a fraternity and had a community of brothers. He fretted and stressed about hard exams. When asked how he did after the exams he usually replied with "Oh, I got a 105." I was always so worried about his depression, anxiety and stress but he was excelling academically and socially in college. Once I called him to check in and he said "I'm having such a good time." and my heart was set at ease.   In his last semester he was taking 5 high level/intense biology classes with aspirations to apply to medical school, he was working at the school COVID testing site, and he became the president of his fraternity. That was A LOT and I was concerned. On March 31, 2021, six weeks before graduation he became overwhelmed and had a crisis. My instinct was to tear him from school and bring him home but we were advised by my wise friend Spiro that his academic career and his relationships at college were a big part of his identity and pride and we should let him finish the semester and monitor him closely. Six weeks later he graduated summa cumlaude with all the honors.   

Since graduation our focus was to get Michael all the support he might need. The summer of 2021 he was formally diagnosed with a "mild" form of what was formerly known as Asperger's Syndrome which is now just part of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). We were frantic in our efforts to help Michael get the proper supports and interventions to help him better manage his challenges. Because he was not a great self-reporter in regards to the exact nature of his struggles it was challenging to target the specific things that needed to be addressed with him. Only of late did he begin to express his difficulties processing information, communicating, sensory difficulties, socializing, etc. Many things we, his family, his friends and the countless professionals didn't pick up on and he never told us. He wavered between accepting and seeking help and expressing being tired of doing all these things. His pessimism and hopelessness from our point of view was exaggerated and illogical but the realization set in for me that his pain was his pain and that we didn't experience his life the way he did. What we saw in him and what he felt about himself were completely incongruent. We didn't know what he felt and the extent of his internal distress.   

We have learned from his friends that everywhere he went, Michael was the life of the party. His sweet dear friend Malcolm from college once told me Michael was the glue that held the group together. We went for treatment for Michael in California in 2021 and when he left the program his amazing friend Blake also told me Michael was the glue that kept their group together. Earlier this week Michael's friends from childhood Anthony, Bobby and Brian came to our home and shared story after story of their adventures with Michael. They showed us videos and pictures of Michael being the life of the party. It brought me so much joy. It made Andrew sad. It's hard for him to understand that Michael didn't see and feel what we all saw in him and felt about him.  

In the past year and nine months Michael worked hard on his recovery. He got a full time job. He spent a lot of quality time with family and friends. I spent 3 months with Michael in Los Angeles while he sought treatment last year and we saw and did everything there was to do in LA. This year we went to New Orleans; he, Andrew and Jacob went to Madrid and Barcelona, he traveled to Israel, Boston, and Miami. He went to popular concerts and the NY Philharmonic. He was adventurous and he had many adventures. He was a foodie and he would eat anything. Since college he became an incredible cook. Michael was loved, admired, respected, looked up to, coveted, and appreciated. Everyone that knew him loved and liked him. Through all this he never wavered that his suffering was greater than the joys in his life. In his mind the only relief was not to be alive. He talked often and openly to me, Malcolm and Blake about not wanting to be alive. It gutted me and filled me with the fear, anxiety and dread I've been living with for a year and 9 months. He wasn't telling us to be cruel. He was being honest and because that is what he felt and that was his wish. He said he just didn't want to suffer and nothing he tried or did alleviated his suffering. I told him I was never going to stop looking for the next treatment. He asked me if I understood why he wasn't hopeful. I asked if told me this to prepare me and he said yes. I cried and screamed and pleaded that nothing could ever prepare me for anything like that. I'm not well but he did prepare me.

We all tried so hard. Andrew, my mom, Jacob, Malcolm, Blake, Dr. Spiro Theoharakis, Dr. Anthony Pantaleno, Dr. David Morrison, Dr. Shari Corbitt, Dr. Aleksandra Krunic, Nurse Lisbeth Reilly, and so many other professionals throughout the years.   

To all his friends, you meant the world to him and you made his good times great. Sweet sweet Malcolm, Blake, Christian, Anthony, Kevin, Brian, Bobby, the Matts, Kate, Luke, Darlene, Anthony, Gaby, Shervin, Brianna, the Mikes, Dan, all the frat brothers, and so many countless others throughout the years.    We are gutted but I understand that his pain was more than he wanted to bear and that he's not in pain anymore.

 

Posted by Yaritza Gómez-Nacht
Tuesday January 10, 2023 at 4:36 pm
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